Where is home?

I remember sitting on the couch in my old apartment in Estonia. It was a day after I had quit my job and a week before leaving Tallinn. I was sitting there and thinking oh my god, now what…? Then I stood up and continued packing. Last week in Estonia was very stressful, so much packing and deciding for each thing if it will be of any usage in the future or not. Then selling most of the things, replying to people, trying to find a suitable slot in my calendar for handover and of course, dealing with people’s requests to change or postpone the pickup time, well, that was quite frustrating.

Now, I have been away from Estonia for almost 3 months and all this seems to be fading away. Sometimes I think about my previous work and I can’t remember so many things, my computer’s username/password, how some systems worked etc. The more I get used to my new life in Spain, the more the past fades away. It is not only about the memories, but also the emotional attachments. I remember how hard it was to give away or sell the things that had sentimental value for me, but now, in the new environment, with new people and new experiences, these emotions are gently vanishing too.

Just today evening I took a walk to the shop and back. It’s cold outside, summer is officially over. When walking to the grocery, I could feel the smell of winter and the cool air across my face. All of a sudden it reminded me of home, my home in Estonia back when I lived with my father and brother. I used to take evening walks to the shop in dark to buy ice cream and clear my head. Tonight it felt as if I was in the same moment again.

I have heard many people say that home is where your things are. Well, some of my things are at my friend’s place and another bunch of them are at my mom’s. I definitely don’t consider neither of these places my home. Even when I lived in Tallinn, in my rental apartment, it never felt like real home, yes, I called it home, but at the same time it was just a temporary place I rented.

Now I call my new apartment in Puertollano home. But is it an actual home? Or is it just a new physical household where I stay for a while and keep my things?

I think a true home is not about anything tangible, it is where your heart is. It is about the inner feeling of contentment. This feeling can be generated by the people you love, the things you are passionate about or whatever else you do that makes you happy. You could be anywhere in the world, live in whatever place and do whatever you do, but if all of this gives you fulfillment, you feel this is the right place to be as it feels like you belong, it feels just like home.

When I came to Spain in September, I was sure that I would never miss Estonia. I did not even want to buy the tickets home for Christmas. Surprise, surprise, one and a half months later, the feeling changed. At the moment I wish the time went by faster! It is not that I don’t like it here and I want to leave, no, I like it a lot here, but I miss my people! It’s not that I want to go to Estonia, because I miss Estonia as a country, no, but I miss my family and friends and I miss my favourite restaurants and beautiful places! It feels weird at the same time, as by now I am so used to living here and now I am going on a holiday to Estonia and not from Estonia. I am planning the places to visit and things to do. It just proves me my point that home is in your heart and it can change in time.

In case you are wondering now if I feel home in Spain, yes I do, but it is too soon to say if it’s a permanent feeling or not. As said before, I will go with the flow and trust my gut.


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